Girls, women, ladies and partners
By the time you get to be a certain age, there’s really nothing you can call your significant other that doesn’t sounds a little childish, or too formal, or otherwise inappropriate. “Significant other,” for example, sounds a bit too dry and pretentious. I’ve never really liked that one.
Throughout the bulk of my relationship with Kate, I’ve called her my girlfriend. But once you’re in your thirties and you’ve been together for a few years, labels like “girlfriend” and “girl” start sounding pretty juvenile. She’s a woman, after all, not a girl. On the other hand, calling her my woman sounds a bit too classic rock. And “womanfriend” is out, because it just sounds weird.
“Lady” is even worse. You can’t call a woman your lady unless you’re a soul singer or you work at Medieval Times. In fact, it’s probably the only thing those two walks of life have in common. And even they couldn’t get away with a term like “ladyfriend,” which has a way of suggesting that you haven’t even gotten up the nerve to kiss her yet.
I’ve got a lot of respect for “partner,” but I still can’t bring myself to use it. I mean, it gets to the heart of the spirit of our relationship better than any of the other terms I’ve cited so far. But it’s a word for people who don’t want their relationship to be defined by the social and cultural implications of all the other words out there. In trying to circumvent those other loaded words, I think the “partner” people have made it the most loaded word of all. It’s a word that says “we assert the right to define our relationship on our own terms” – and with all due respect for the people who take that road, I’ve never really felt like my typical heterosexual relationship should be the basis for some kind of statement. Don’t let the lengthy semantic rant fool you.
To tell you the truth, I’m kind of looking forward to being able to go with “wife” – and as of a year from Friday, I can. But frankly, I still don’t think that’s enough time to get used to calling Kate my fiancée. What a froofy, ridiculous word.
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I feel your pain, Matt! I struggled with the H word for years after I got hitched. It’s so…personal. My gay married friends feel the same way – it’s not just, er, females who find it over-revealing (scenario: me: “So my husband and I…” Random person: “You’re married? How old are you?” me: “Whoa.”) Sometimes I still call Karri my boyfriend by accident. It’s hard-wired, I suppose. But really, I think any of the above can pass if you deliver with enough tongue in cheek. Or, how about just “Kate”?
Congratulations, BTW!!!
Yeah, I have a problem with ‘fiance’. It sounds really pointed, like shouting “I’M ENGAGED” in someone’s face.
Hubby will be fine. And I think I’ll mostly stick with boyfriend until then. Although, yeah, it does sound a tad childish.
And with Graham, I just lie and call him my stepdad, because ‘my mum’s boyfriend’ is awful, and ‘common-law stepdad’ is a hell of a mouthful, more information than people need, and kind of implies we’re not really close.
Bah. Relationship semantics suck.
Kate: If you had to choose between “hubby” and “husband,” I’d recommend “husband.” That’s just my opinion, but I’ll be the guy in question, so there you go. As for Graham, I think it’s perfectly legitimate to call him your stepfather.
Carey: Thank you! Now that you mention it, “You’re engaged?” is a question you can read a lot into. There have definitely been times when I’ve felt like people were suggesting that I seemed a lot more likely to eat a bowl of Count Chocula for dinner than to get married.
To be honest, I’m with Carey, and don’t know how I’ll deal with ‘hubby’ or ‘husband’. Whenever I can I’ll be sticking with ‘Matt’.
Fiance/fiancee doesn’t bug me.
Boyfriend/girlfriend really does seem ridiculous, if the person in question can be called neither a “boy” nor a “girl.” I’ve jokingly used the term “gender-based friend” and, while it’s a mouthful, it’s meant as a joke and not a solution to this lexicographical conundrum.
“Partner” has always implied, to me, “same-sex partner.” A lot of politically-correct people I know use it, and it’s pretty neutral, so… I guess that works.
Consider, though: if you’re in a country/culture where arranged marriages are the norm, you go from zero-to-spouse in no time flat, and this whole debate just wouldn’t exist.