Once again, I’ve ended up siding with a bunch of fascist prudes for all the wrong reasons

Hey, remember when CBS decided to base a television show on the popular Twitter feed shitmydadsays? Well, they’ve chosen to call it $@*! My Dad Says, because you can’t use the word “shit” in the title of a show on CBS. Instead, you have to use the words “Accidentally on Purpose.”

But according to a post on the AV Club, even the non-word “$#*!” was deemed too offensive by a total waste of everyone’s time called the Parents Television Council. In fact, it’s so offensive that they actually took a break from their unbelievably ongoing legal battle with CBS over that thing with Janet Jackson to issue a press release.

“CBS intentionally chose to insert an expletive into the actual name of a show,” says an actual grown man named Tim Winter who apparently can’t handle the s-word, “and, despite its claim that the word will be bleeped, it is just CBS’ latest demonstration of its contempt for families and the public. There are an infinite number of alternatives that CBS could have chosen but its desire to shock and offend is crystal clear in this decision.”

Obviously, to hell with Winter and the Parents Television Council. If you can’t handle life beyond the kids table, then I’m perfectly happy not to hammer any nails around you for fear of accidentally hitting my thumb and cursing a blue streak that would put Richard Pryor to shame.

But the moment you choose to wage a lengthy legal battle to prevent people who are more mature and capable of dealing with everyday life than you are from ever having to engage with the things you can’t handle, you’ve crossed a line that every free society should oppose. No loudmouth, no matter how loud their mouth might be, has the right to impose their misguided will on free citizens who are fully capable of managing their own affairs.

I mean, is that really how things are done in the greatest and freest nation on Earth? It is? Okay, but isn’t that a bit of a paradox?

And yet, as much as I’d like to rail against the Parents Television Council, I can’t help but agree with them on one fundamental point: $#*! My Dad Says is a show that ought to be fought tooth and nail. But to be fair, the only reason I think that is because the whole idea is insulting to anyone with the brains to work a TV remote.

“Oh, but William Shatner and so on and so forth! Look at him go!” No, you know what? That makes it worse, not better. I respect the man as much as you do for pushing the endurance of self-parody to new levels, but the fact that Shatner’s involved doesn’t automatically turn a bad idea into a good idea. Viewed objectively, even Star Trek was a pretty lousy show.

In fact, if you want to get into it, I think the role should have gone to Jerry Stiller. And to be fair, the only reason I’d choose him is because CBS veteran Peter Boyle is dead. And frankly, the whole thing is moot, because not even a comic actor of their calibre could have made this show funnier than a flaming bag of kittens and hair.

That’s why I’m forced to agree, in the broadest sense and against my better judgment, with the Parents Television Council. But if I were to bet with the odds, I’d say that these uptight jackasses don’t have the power to prevent $#*! My Dad Says from getting on the air long enough to inevitably get canceled in mid-season. And if that happens, and I’m forced to choose sides, then it’s safe to say that I’d gladly spend half an hour on the couch every week, fake-laughing and shouting “Shit, this shit’s the shit,” just to spite the Parents Television Council.

I mean, I’m sorry, Mom, but I think you’ll agree that it had to be said. Morals, ethics and religion are done best when they’re based on the assumption that the entire country isn’t still in kindergarten. That’s all I’m saying.

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