Tim Bosma and the most important, awful promise a father can make

I’m not the kind of guy who likes to play “it could have been me” with the headlines. It’s not that I think the people who do are selfish or callous; empathy is a tricky thing, and if that’s what it takes to put yourself in someone’s shoes, then I guess that’s okay.

The story of Tim Bosma, which officially came to the worst ending imaginable this morning, is tailor-made for that reaction. Here was an average guy who lost his life in an unexplainable act of random violence. Here was the perfect surrogate for all the hand-wringers eager to write themselves into his family’s misery by saying “it could have been me.”

I guess that’s why I’m surprised, and a little embarrassed, to admit that this one’s hitting me harder than I’d expected it would.

I’m well aware that Bosma was a statistical anomaly. I’m not going to burden you with any stories about the sketchy guy from Craigslist who bought my weight bench a few years ago. And I’m certainly not going to tell you that his death affected me because “it could have been me.”

His death affected me because his wife could have been my wife. His death affected me because his daughter could have been my daughter.

I am not automatically a more important person than anyone who doesn’t have a wife and kid, and neither was Tim Bosma. If you’re not married, and you don’t have children, your opinions on this aren’t somehow less relevant than mine.

But our wives, and certainly our children, don’t feel that way.

I’m not saying that to underline my own importance in their lives. I’m saying it to underline the sheer, inescapable fragility of the people we care about.

Every night, I put my daughter to bed. Every night, I tell her I’ll always be there for her. It’s the most important promise a father can make to his daughter.

And you know what? It’s absolute bullshit.

It’s a lie that I willingly and knowingly tell my daughter every single night, because that’s what dads do. Tonight, I’ll lie to her again.

And even though I didn’t know Tim Bosma, and certainly won’t presume to speak for him and his family, I can tell you that any father worth a damn lies to his kids in the same way. He does it whenever he can, and he’s grateful for every opportunity to do it.

Circumstance made a liar out of Timothy Bosma. And I hope it’s not selfish or narcissistic to admit that I’m saddened, crushed and… Well, just stupidly fucking enraged about it.

And God damn it, we all deserve to be. No matter how futile or impotent our rage might be, we deserve to express how random and wrong the whole thing is.

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6 Responses to “Tim Bosma and the most important, awful promise a father can make”

  1. Candace says:

    I don’t think it’s narcissistic to feel that way. And you shouldn’t feel bad about how you feel.

    This case has been bothering me since it happened precisely because I could identify with how helpless and desperate his wife must have felt. I can’t even begin to imagine her devastation now, though. “What if it had been my husband?” I thought.

    My mom felt the same way because she was thinking of her sons (my brothers). What if it had happened to them?

    We’re all so fragile. It sucks to realize how much we are at the mercy of others.

    Anyway, I wouldn’t call it our feelings narcissism because our hearts go out so deeply to Tim’s family. I’d call it empathy, which to me, is the most important feeling one can have.

  2. Matt says:

    I appreciate that, Candace. Particularly coming from someone who’s getting ready to wear her heart on the outside in the same fashion. Thank you.

    I should mention, by the way, that this is one of the rare posts my wife actually read – and edited – before I posted it. Yet another thing in my life that’s better because of her, as far as I’m concerned.

  3. Candace says:

    Aw.

  4. Matt says:

    (I know, right?)

  5. me says:

    well, this also changes Canada. Its becoming like the US more and more.. with gun fights in public etc.

  6. Matt says:

    I don’t think it represents a change in Canada. Violent crime rates are dropping in both countries, aren’t they?