Don’t blow this, America

Congratulations, Americans! After years if not decades of campaigning, your big day has finally arrived. It’s time for you to go the polls and make what everyone in the world, except for you and apparently Pakistan, knows to be a blatantly obvious choice.

We’re counting on you to make the right decision, but that doesn’t mean we’re not desperately worried that you won’t. That’s why, as a public service for our friends south of the border, I’ve prepared this handy voting guide:

  • If you’re planning to vote today, great. Do it with pride, and take as many people as you can along with you.
  • If you’ve already voted, terrific! Take the rest of the day off, you good citizen, you.
  • If you’re voting for Obama and the Democrats, then I salute you. Thanks for making the correct decision! Not the perfect decision, by any means, but far and away the best!
  • if you’re voting for Romney and the Republicans… Well, I’m not going to tell you how to vote. But with all due respect, you’re doing it wrong.

One of the reasons I started my ill-fated Six Weeks of Rush project was because I wanted to get to know some conservative American voters. I wanted to hear where they’re coming from, in their own tweeted and truncated words. As it turns out, I got to know several, and each of them had their own reasons not to vote for Obama.

But you know what? None of them gave me a good reason to vote for Romney. In fact, nobody’s ever given me a good reason to vote for Romney. Platitudes like “jobs,” “taxes” and “foreign policy” don’t count, because Romney has made it abundantly clear, time and time again, that he doesn’t have a viable plan to deal with any of those issues. Also, his running mate is an amoral monster whose only concern is budget numbers he won’t explain and can’t defend.

In fact, let me revise that last item:

  • If you’re voting for Romney and the Republicans, vote for Obama instead. I know what you’re thinking, but Romney is unprincipled and unqualified, and his Republican Party long ago lost touch with everyday Americans. I’m guessing most of you Romney voters are really just voting against Obama, and that doesn’t make sense. Why reject a guy who you feel has done a bad job by voting for someone who would be far worse in every respect you care about?

The rest of the world gets this, and I believe that most of you get it, too. We’re counting on you to get out there and do the right thing, just like you did four years ago.

Hey, that reminds me:

  • If you’re not planning to vote because Obama let you down, you’re adorable. Now, get off your ass and vote.

Good luck today, America! For Christ’s sake, don’t screw this up!

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