Great job, Chris Brown!

I’ve been yelling about this all over the web since I found out about it half an hour ago, so I figured I might as well post it here and get it out of my system. But since it’s so infuriatingly, dumbassedly stupid that I don’t even know where to begin, I hope you won’t mind if I walk through it from the beginning.

Okay, so let’s say you’re a young recording artist who puts out a huge debut album at the age of sixteen and spends the next few years on top of the world. Somewhere along the line, you hook up with a huge pop superstar, and now you’re the dream of every young girl and the envy of every young man alike. But then you make one little mistake like savagely beating your girlfriend, and all of the sudden it’s like the whole world hates you.

If you ever find yourself in that situation, I guess the only advice I can really give you is “Don’t do an interview with People in which you complain about how disrespected Oprah made you feel when she did a show about domestic abuse that was directly inspired by you assaulting your girlfriend.” Failing that, I guess “Fine, do the interview, but just make sure you don’t call the show ‘a slap in [your] face’” would be the best advice I could give.

I mean, I don’t know much about assaulting women. I’ll grant you that. But I think if I’d been caught doing it, and I wanted to make the world think I was the real victim – as opposed to the aggressor – then I probably wouldn’t single out the very positive reaction of a universally beloved television icon and call it a slap in my face.

And I sure wouldn’t do it in those words because – and follow me on this one for just a second – it would remind people that I had actually literally done to my girlfriend exactly what I am only accusing that television icon of figuratively doing to me.

That just seems a bit obvious, you know? And as much as I’d hate to appear to sympathize or even side with Chris Brown in any respect, I’m glad he didn’t end up doing that. I mean, the guy’s apparently done a lot of horrible, stupid, reprehensible things in his short life, but at least he can say he hasn’t done that.

Wait a minute, what? He did? Are you sure it was People and not the Onion or something? Really? It was People?

Oh, my God!

I mean, this isn’t even a “Hey, come on, leave the guy alone, innocent until proven guilty” situation anymore. He was found guilty in June. Hell, he pleaded guilty! He pleaded guilty in order to get a deal that multiple domestic violence groups reportedly objected to because they felt it was too lenient! Chris Brown has well and truly waived his right to play the victim, and now it seems like he doesn’t even get to play the flawed human being who at least knows what he did was wrong and isn’t completely self-deluded. Ike Turner went to his grave with more people in his corner, and they made an award-winning blockbuster film about what a terrible person he was for doing pretty much the exact same thing that Chris Brown did!

I just… Really? REALLY?

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