All morons hate it when you call them a moron

Boy, did you hear about that phony who wrote his own unauthorized sequel to The Catcher in the Rye by that guy J. D. Salinger? That guy’s got some nerve writing his own sequel to some other guy’s book without even asking that guy if he could do it. People are always trying to cash in on other people’s work without even asking if they can do it. Boy, I really can’t stand it when they do that.

But the thing is I only got around to reading that guy Salinger’s book a few weeks ago. I guess it was one of those books I should have read in school, and I never did, so I figured I ought to read it just to see what was so great about it. I thought it was an okay book. I really like the way that guy Salinger wrote it. It’s about a guy who gets kicked out of school, and he goes home to New York City for the holidays, and he just sort of wanders around because he doesn’t want his parents to know he’s in town because he doesn’t want them to know he got kicked out of school yet, and you sort of follow him around the city and you get to hear what’s on his mind all the time. Not a lot of writers can really make you feel like you really know what’s on the mind of the guys in their books. A lot of people write books and all these goddam phonies at cocktail parties talk your ear off about what a writer this guy is, and the guys who write those books can’t even do a simple thing like make you feel like you know what’s on their character’s mind. People are always saying this book is a classic or that book is a classic, and most of those books are really rotten. I really liked that guy Salinger’s book, though.

Anyway, I forgot what I wanted to say about the book and that phony who wrote the sequel to it. Sometimes I start talking about a lousy book some phony wrote to try and make a quick buck off a guy who really knew how to tell a good story, and then my mind wanders over to another idea about the good author’s book, and before you know it I’m talking about something else because it’s more interesting than a book some phony wrote to make a quick buck. People don’t like it when you start off talking about one thing and all of the sudden you’re talking about another thing, but I think if one thing makes you think about another thing then people should let you talk about the other thing if you get more of a charge out of it than the other thing. People can be really crumby when you try to talk about something else and all they want you to do is talk about the thing that made you want to talk about the more interesting thing in the first place.

But I remember what I wanted to say about that guy Salinger’s book, which is even though I think it’s really crumby that some goddam phony thought he could come along and write his own sequel to it without even asking if it’s okay, when you think about it you can sort of see how a guy like that would be tempted to think it would be really easy to write his own book that was a lot like the real writer’s book, because the way this guy Salinger writes is really repetitive. The guy in his book is always talking about a bunch of goddam phonies and saying things are crumby and saying things even after he’s already said them. Every other page of that goddam book, the guy he’s writing about is saying something he’s already said. I hate it when people in books try and say something, and then in the very next sentence they use a bunch of different words to say the same thing. People in books are always saying something they already said a minute ago. Boy, it really bothers me when people in books say something and then they say it again, like they think you weren’t listening the first time. It really bothers me when they do that.

Anyway, I really hate it when some goddam phony comes along and writes a sequel to a book that he didn’t even write in the first place, but when you really think about that Salinger guy and the way he wrote in the first book, you could see how a phony could come along and write another book just like it without even trying that hard. I really liked the way that guy Salinger wrote the guy in that book of his, but the way the guy talked was so repetitive and so full of the same words and phrases that it probably wouldn’t be too tough for some phony to come along and write a book of their own and say it was a sequel to that guy Salinger’s book, even though that guy Salinger didn’t even say it was okay to write a sequel in the first place. If a real phony wanted to come along and write a crumby book in the same style as a real classic book like the one that guy Salinger wrote, then it probably wouldn’t be tough if that guy Salinger had a really repetitive, redundant writing style. I really hate it when people try to take advantage of the way a real author writes just so they can write their own sequel to a good classic book. Whenever I read a sequel to a good book and the guy who wrote it didn’t even give his permission to the other guy to write it, I really can’t stand it, even though it would be really easy for that crumby phony to rip off that guy’s style. I really mean it. Boy, I hate it when some phony comes along and writes his own sequel to a classic book without even asking.

Another thing I didn’t like about that guy’s book is he took forever to get to the point. Boy, the guy in that book would talk your ear off about the same goddam thing for pages and pages. I really hate it when you’re reading a book and the guy won’t get to the goddam point. I really do.

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22 Responses to “All morons hate it when you call them a moron”

  1. jason says:

    Goddam, just write your own lousy book, you phony.

  2. Matt says:

    To tell you the truth, I think I just did.

  3. Not Michael Richards says:

    I love blogs and the smug sense of satisfaction I get from reading the work of a mediocre mo- woaaah almost said it. Man…a reference to your post would have undoubtedly inflated your dangerously bloated ego, so I stopped myself. You’re welcome. I also love it when novice scribes take a shitty joke (almost a non-joke really, almost anti-humour) and beat it to the ground with all the subtlety of stampeding rhinoceros. It’s a good thing you’re out there man, reminding us that “racism is still a really big problem in America”. I had no idea. You’re so necessary.

  4. Matt says:

    Well, that’s the angriest comment I’ve gotten in a while. It’s a shame it wasn’t from Michael Richards.

    For the record, I actually really liked the book and I obviously meant no disrespect to J. D. Salinger – who would no doubt agree that the only people less necessary than self-righteous bloggers are self-righteous commenters.

  5. Kate says:

    Hmm. So someone comments on a self-published personal blog to tell the writer he isn’t as good at being Salinger as Salinger is, and that other people have written about racism in the US.

    And he then accuses the blog writer of being unnecessary?


  6. Matt says:

    I wouldn’t worry about it. I’ve been called much worse by people who actually have to spend time with me.

  7. Kate says:

    Yeah. Sorry about that.

  8. Matt says:

    I understand. You suffer more than most.

  9. E. says:

    What’s great — and I’m pretty sure I’m on target here — is the blog post here is written in that endearing ‘shootin the shit’ style. An hommage to that guy Salinger’s character perhaps. And it’s in an ironic style…all repetitive and round-about and shit. End of story.

  10. Krantzstone says:

    I agree with E. I read the book ages ago but from what I can recall, this blog post is very much in the same narrative style and voice of the main character in The Catcher in the Rye. In fact, it’s so much like the book I’d almost swear it was a sequel. ;)

    I might add that although I can’t say I know Matt Blair well, in my interactions with him I’ve never been given cause to believe his ego is in any way, shape or form, “dangerously bloated”. If anything, he seems to take things that most other people (myself included) would be seriously affronted by and just lets it go in a zen-like manner and doesn’t really get riled up about most things.

    So I can only imagine that “Not Michael Richards”’ post was either in dead-pan jest by someone he knows, an anonymous internet troll who has ventured out from under their virtual bridge, or someone Matt has accidentally ticked off in the past who has come back for some sweet, sweet, pseudonymous and passive-aggressive retaliation.

    All I can say is I wish my blogs elicited the kind of vitriol from virtual strangers the way this one has, because at least then I’d have proof someone other than my mom actually reads it. ;)

    P.S. Actually, my mom doesn’t read my blog posts either.
    P.P.S. Anyone who takes the time to go on someone else’s personal blog and leaves a longer-than-one-liner comment about how much they hated the post… has way too much time on their hands and probably needs to get out more.

  11. Matt says:

    E: You’ve got it. Such as it was, that’s what I was going for.

    Krantzstone: As usual, you’re too kind. I assure you that I don’t usually make people this angry – or if I do, they don’t tell me.

  12. Not Micheal Richards says:

    “Anyone who takes the time to go on someone else’s personal blog and leaves a longer-than-one-liner comment about how much they hated the post… has way too much time on their hands and probably needs to get out more.”

    The author of this blog replied to my post in six minutes. Nuff said.

    Matt, I love how you called out the sycophants to defend you. And how none of your other posts have any replies. Did you call in some favours to get the allies out?
    Also, I’m not angry so much as spreading the hate toward bloggers, who are the most useless of humans.

  13. Matt says:

    Heh… I get an email whenever someone comments on the blog. I waited a little while to respond to this one, though, just to make myself look like a busy man.

    I did mention elsewhere that “I wrote a really hacky rant that ruined some stranger’s day,” and I guess that brought a few people here. Though I didn’t tell anybody what to post; I guess they were just as bewildered as I am. That’s the reason why this post has more replies than the others.

    My favourite theory so far is that you actually are J. D. Salinger. If anyone’s got a little extra time on his hands, it’s a reclusive author. On the other hand, he would have gotten the joke.

  14. Not Michael Richards says:

    Well at least you got the recluse part right. I’m not sure Salinger would have liked your protracted “joke”, but he definitely would have realized that I’m, in fact, just joking around. I don’t hate you, although I do find most blogs to be completely pointless and pretentious because they usually just rehash celebrity news stories or detail their author’s tedious lives with excruciating attention to detail. You read a book? OMG you should write a post about it! People have been reading books for centuries without feeling the need to advertise their literacy on a deserted website.
    On how I got here: I accidentaly stumbled onto this page while looking for a friend who shares a name with you but has the good sense to assume that his opinions, while valid, don’t need a gaudy website to carry some weight.
    On the other hand, let me mention here that I read a bunch of your comic strips and truly enjoyed them. I actually like everything about that strip, including the title. You’re much better at writing jokes and social commentary than a bullshit blog. Recognize your talent and run with it. Don’t spread yourself too thin. Who the hell wants to be known as a cartoonist/blogger? The former is a gift to society, the latter is meaningless and irritating.

  15. Matt says:

    Well, it’s good to know you’re not serious. We didn’t have any idea what you were so mad about! If vanity blogs are the issue, then I’m totally on board. I assure you, that’s not what I’m trying to do here. I don’t go out of my way to promote it, and frankly, I’m surprised whenever I find out that someone other than a friend or a family member has actually heard of it.

    I’m also a bit surprised whenever a person takes offense at some random guy voicing his opinion – whether in conversation, in the news, or on a bullshit blog. I’m not trying to make a name for myself with this site – despite what the address might tell you – and I didn’t really write this post with anybody other than a few friends in mind.

    I’m glad you dropped by, and I appreciate the kind words about the strip. But if you don’t like blogs like this one, my advice is to just stop reading them. I wouldn’t take it personally. Other people here have already pointed out the irony of a person going after a blogger for posting their opinions online by posting angry comments on the blog in question, and I think that’s food for thought.

    You’re right about one thing, though: this website is totally gaudy. I’m working on a new layout as we speak. I’ve also got a lot of work to do on the Righteous Melody site, so feel free to stick around for that.

    Thanks for dropping by, at any rate. This is the most exciting thing that’s happened on my blog in weeks, and I’m glad it ended well.

  16. jason says:

    Oh, this ain’t over.

  17. Matt says:

    After today’s update, I think you might be right. I do have the fellow’s email address, assuming it’s real. Maybe I should drop him a line.

  18. Not Michael Richards says:

    Feel free to drop me a line anytime Matt. That is a real email address. And if there’s one thing I do enjoy, it’s arguing. I like writing too, but arguing and writing are pretty much the same thing to a guy like me, because as Souvankham Thammavongsa once said, “writing is an argument against silence”.
    I’m not angry about the EYE thing. You’ll notice that under the article sits a prompt in lonely blue font: “Be the first to comment”. This supports my original point that nobody actually reads or cares about blogs because they are boring and useless. Also, I don’t know about you, but if a “friend” of mine ever called something I wrote “Funneeee!”, I’d hit her in the face with a thesaurus. Further strengthening my original point is the fact that this Kate Carraway bimbo (people actually still say/write “Real talk”?) is your friend, and you wouldn’t have gotten a mention on her almost-incoherent blog post (with zero comments and, somehow defying simple mathematics, probably even fewer readers) you seem to be so proud of.
    I’ve read on here that you help run a reading series. That’s fantastic. You’re obviously a guy who likes books and likes to write. So why not write a novel? Or a short story? Or anything but five paragraph ruminations on what to call the female you presumably love and are hopefully having sex with?
    You’ve mentioned a few times now that I shouldn’t read blogs if they make me so angry. You’re right. But like I said, I stumbled upon your website and, being a compulsive reader, immediately started reading. The comment section did not require some tedious sign-up process, so I posted my opinion (perhaps the first honest opinion you’ve ever received on this wasteland you call home), and now here we are. If you are going to keep using the “just don’t read it” argument, make log-ins required so I “just don’t write it”.
    I really should just take off my internet history so I don’t keep coming back here, but I’m not a very tech savvy guy. I do know how to check my email though, so if you want to “drop me a line”, I repeat, feel free. Also, since you’re a capable writer, why don’t you see if EYE Weekly is hiring writers who don’t scribble at a fourth-grade level?

  19. Not Michael Richards says:

    PS – If you talk to this Jason fellow, can you ask him if he’s familiar with, and then let him know that Buffalo is definitely not part of the Upper Midwest of the United States? I figured you can do it for me, since no one in his “Comments” section has been so kind.

  20. Matt says:

    Okay, settle down. At the rate you’re going, this will soon be your blog. How will you look people in the eye then?

    With apologies in advance, I won’t be taking the time to yell at Kate and Jason on your behalf. You’ve proven that you’d be more thorough and much better at it than I would, and clearly I’m a busy man. I’m not sure what you do with your time, but if it’s this, then the world is your oyster.

    By the way, I did try to write to you, and I got a bounce-back. I don’t know what to tell you about that.

  21. Matt says:

    Also, and against my better judgment, I should point out that the lack of comments on Kate’s blog post doesn’t support your point that nobody reads or cares about blogs. All it does suggest is that nobody takes the time to comment on them. It’s really more of an indictment of you than me.

    Maybe you need to think about that. Then again, the last two comments on this post are now mine, so maybe I need to think about it too. This is time we could both be spending on our novels, right?

  22. Not Michael Richards says:

    The bounce back confuses me. Maybe because I hadn’t checked it in a while the good people at hotmail put it to sleep or something. Anyway, I’ve just sent an email to your mail [at] bodaciousmelody thingie, so we can argue via email from now on.