Honest to God, these Kids today

Hey, you know that uncomfortable moment at the convenience store when you spot that sign behind the counter? You know, the one that says it’s illegal for the store to sell cigarettes to anyone born before today’s date in 1992? If that moment makes you feel old, obsolete and depressed, then you might want to pass on reading the rest of this post.

I was standing on a subway platform last night, right across the way from an ad for Death Comes to Town, the current Kids in the Hall reunion miniseries. If you haven’t been watching it, then I urge you to get caught up, because it’s a great return to form with a lot of promise showing in the early episodes. But that’s beside the point.

The point is that I was standing right next to a gaggle of teenaged girls who were giggling and gawking at the ad. It was clear that these five guys – who admittedly looked like an awkward bunch when they first hit the scene twenty years ago and they weren’t even middle aged and doughy yet – were completely new terrain to these girls. So new, in fact, that I actually overheard the following conversation:

“That’s definitely a man in a dress. No way that’s a woman.”

“Of course it’s not a woman. It’s totally a man. It’s supposed to be a man in a dress.”

“No, I think he’s supposed to be a woman. Like, he’s playing a woman.”

“Right, in the show, it’s a man who’s playing a woman.”

“No, like, it’s a woman in the show. But that’s a man.”

Look, I know it’s been a long time since the Kids in the Hall last had a show on the CBC, and I know that the bulk of today’s teenagers were born around the time they went off the air. I also know there’s nothing to be gained from an overworked thirty-year-old shouting things like “Of course that’s supposed to be a woman!” and “What the hell do they teach you stupid kids in school these days?” and “That’s Dave Foley, you ignorant sacks of orphanage doorstep fodder!” at a bunch of kids who don’t know any better. That’s the way it is, and I accept that.

No, you know what? I don’t accept that. Honest to God, what’s the matter with these kids today? Why don’t you run home and watch Jersey Shore and force your parents to contemplate the life without children that may have been, while you’re at it?

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