Here’s a national anthem for all the ladies out there

What? The government says it’s planning to update the national anthem to make it more inclusive? When we told them to get back to work, this isn’t what we had in mind!

Look, it’s not like I’m one of these people who thinks the national anthem is so sacred that it should never be changed. Hell, the damned thing didn’t even become our anthem until the year after I was born, and its history is already full of changes. But more to the point, people who are more concerned with our country’s iconography than the everyday life of its citizens have a way of giving me the creeps. The government can swap the maple leaf on our flag with the boisterous face of the late John Candy and throw out the current anthem in favour of “Fifty Mission Cap,” as far as I’m concerned – assuming they’re also happy to make sure every Canadian has a good job, a roof over their head, and the freedom to live their own life.

That’s what makes me doubt the merits of this whole idea. Traditionally, this government has shown a much greater interest in looking like they care than in actually caring, and in looking like they’re getting things done than in actually doing anything. The bad news – or the good news, depending on whether or not you think the politicians in question ought to be voted out on their asses – is that more and more, their arrogance seems to be wearing thin and getting the better of them.

Now, don’t get me wrong. If you want to make the country a more inclusive place, you can count me in. I’m a hundred percent on board. I’m fully aware that the vast majority of the people in this country have it at least a little worse than I do, just by virtue of being female or LGBT or non-white or unemployed or homeless or what have you. But I’m also fully aware that the words “Thou dost in us command” or “In all of us command” or “Wow, Donald Sutherland!” aren’t going to affect those inequalities in the slightest. And more to the point, I’d basically have to be an idiot to think that the Conservatives aren’t equally sure that this is a token gesture at best.

I may not be the most politically savvy person out there, but I’m pretty sure the government didn’t decide to change the national anthem because they’ve been getting a lot of pressure from progressives who think it ought to be done. I don’t think I’m blowing any minds when I suggest that anyone who’s invested even a minimum of their time and energy in the fight for equal rights for women in Canada can probably think of several other things the government could do that would make a bigger difference than changing the national anthem. It seems odd to me that Tony Clement should defend the decision by citing a single email, after publicly writing off “maybe three dozen emails” arguing that a second annual prorogation was a bad idea. And as my friend Lukas recently pointed out, the Pay Equity Task Force recommendations are just one measure that should probably take priority over adding “Girls are great too!” to the national anthem.

Also, and I hope you’ll forgive me if this is a really obvious point, but if you make a big show of amending the national anthem to make it more inclusive during the same week that a cabinet minister goes out of his way to cut all mention of the rights and achievements of gays and lesbians out of our new citizenship guide, then you’re bound to look like a bunch of hypocrites who clearly don’t give their citizens enough credit. I mean, the way things are going, I can’t possibly be the only person in this country who just assumes that “In all thy sons command except for the gays” must have made an appearance in a recent cabinet brainstorming session.

I guess what I’m saying, assuming the government is actually listening, is that the new national anthem should probably close with “God keep our land / glorious and free / O holy hell, let’s admit that we as a nation deserve better, get off our asses, and vote these arrogant bigoted jackasses out.” Failing that, anything by Rush is fine.

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