I need your help to convince MC Hammer to do something amazing

This morning, my friend Heather noted that Vanilla Ice, who’s currently promoting a new reality show in which he does home renovations, argues that he’s the right man for the job because he happened to release one of the biggest selling rap albums of all time. “‘Cause that’s what I look for in a home reno expert!” she said.

She’s got a point. I mean, for all I know, Vanilla Ice is an excellent handyman. Sure, he’s almost definitely got the words “Anything less than the best in home renovation is a felony!” written on his business card, but that in itself doesn’t mean he can’t do the job.

However, if he can, then why doesn’t he build his case on those merits? Why fall back on the rapper thing? If you hire the guy who did “Havin’ a Roni” to do your electrical work, simply on the basis of that, then frankly, you’ve only got yourself to blame if it doesn’t work out.

But that isn’t even the dumbest thing about Vanilla Ice’s pitch. I mean, what about the fact that his one-time nemesis, MC Hammer, not only also recorded one of the highest selling rap albums of all time, but also has the word “hammer” in his name?

If I were Hammer, I’d have so much fun with that. I’d absolutely kick off a fresh beef, in spite of not having a home reno show of my own to plug. Hell, the fact that I didn’t would only make it that much funnier.

Picture Hammer in a drywall-mounting montage. He tries the vanilla, and it doesn’t do the job. He turns to the ice, with similarly shameful results. Finally, he picks up the hammer, and with a knowing wink, he gets the job done. Maybe a woman in the background says “Please, Hammer, don’t hurt your thumb accidentally.”

That’s comedy gold, right? He’d be a fool not to do it.

I’m completely not kidding, you guys. In fact, I’ll be disappointed if Hammer doesn’t post a video like this on the web within the week. If Funny or Die doesn’t exist for this exact reason, then I really don’t know what to tell you.

In fact, let’s issue the challenge! Hammer, if you’re reading this because it turned up in a Google Alert for “Hammer” that you shouldn’t in any way feel ashamed of, then I urge you to shoot this video. I want you to make this happen.

Indeed, I hereby declare that if this video comes to pass, I expect no credit or compensation whatsoever. The joy of seeing the guy whose side I took in one of the sixth grade’s most epic arguments emerge undisputedly victorious will be thanks enough, I assure you.

Seriously, I’m not being ironic. Hammer, you will earn my respect and renew my childhood devotion if you shoot this video – and I’m confident that I speak for millions of people my age when I make that pledge.

In fact, it’s to those of you I now turn. Hammer might need some convincing – and like many of us, you can find him on Twitter. I’m officially calling on you and all your friends to bring the pitch to Hammer’s doorstep. Be polite, of course; he’s a human being, after all. If you’re looking for a hashtag, then #hammerithome gets my vote.

Let’s make this happen, dudes! If Pat Thornton can do a show that accidentally jump starts even a local career renaissance for Kevin Sorbo, then I don’t see why we can’t intentionally convince Hammer to shoot a hilarious video that settles an age-old “who’s cooler” debate once and for all.

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